"So I'm a Golden Ibis. Yeah, Golden. Not metaphorically, literally glowing like someone dipped a bird in a mid-life-crisis Lamborghini." "Do you know how hard it is to be majestic in public? Tourist see me and immediately lose all dignity. They're like, 'OH MY GOD, A RARE BIRD!" Meanwhile I'm just trying to poop in peace like a normal prehistoric swamp gremlin." "And every photographer thinks they discovered me. Buddy, I've been here for 10,000 years. You're not Indiana Jones, you're a guy in cargo shorts yelling at your autofocus." People ask, 'What's like being golden?' Honestly? Exhausting. I can't hide from predators, I can't sneak up on fish, and every time the sun hits me just right, a yoga influencer tries to use me as a manifestation symbol." "But hey... at least I'm not a pigeon."
